Review: Tell Me Again How A Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan

Tell Me Again How A Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan - Leila has made it most of the way through Armstead Academy without having a crush on anyone, which is something of a relief. As an Iranian American, she’s different enough; if word got out that she liked girls, life would be twice as hard. But when beautiful new girl Saskia shows up, Leila starts to take risks she never thought she would, especially when it looks as if the attraction between them is mutual.

Struggling to sort out her growing feelings and Saskia’s confusing signals, Leila confides in her old friend, Lisa, and grows closer to her fellow drama tech-crew members, especially Tomas, whose comments about his own sexuality are frank, funny, wise, and sometimes painful. Gradually, Leila begins to see that almost all her classmates are more complicated than they first appear to be, and many are keeping fascinating secrets of their own. From Goodreads.

I've wanted to read Tell Me Again How A Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan for quite a while, so when it came up in Dahlia Adler's Book Club for February, it was the perfect chance to pick it up. Tell Me Again is a sweet, lovely story, but it left me feeling only lukewarm.

Leila has so far managed to keep her sexuality a secret from everyone, something she's pleased about, because she doesn't need any more attention than she already gets for being Iranian American. But when the beautiful Saskia starts at her school and wants to be her friend, Leila finds it really difficult to hide the fact that she now has a crush. But when it looks like Saskia might fancy her too, Leila finds herself going along with whatever Saskia wants to do, no matter the trouble it will get them in. Leila's former best friend Lisa, now part of the popular crowd, has been struggling to come to terms with her brother's death, and Leila reaches out to try and comfort her. Slowly their friendship begins to recover, and she finds, when she signs up for the school play, that there are friends she never thought she would have got on with to be found there as well. Her new friends are there for her when Saskia goes from hot to cold and back again, but how will her family react if they discover she's a lesbian?

For a book that has a fair amount happening, Tell Me Again didn't really feel like it. Leila is dealing with her feelings for Saskia and Saskia's strange behaviour, getting to know her new friends as well as keeping her current ones from being annoyed with her, and worrying about how her traditional, conservative Iranian parents will treat her if they ever found out about her sexuality. A lot is happening, but I was thinking for most of the book, "When is something going to happen?" The pace of the story stayed steady, no matter what was happening; there were no real highs of excitement or lows of fear for me as a reader, despite Leila having both for herself. Farizan's writing style kept me gripped, but the pace of the story left me wanting more.

Saying that, Tell Me Again was a really interesting story. It has a great cast of characters; Tess and Greg, Leila's current friends, Taryn, Christina and Simone, the theatre tech crew, and Tomas who is made an understudy and stage manager with her, and Lisa, Leila's former best friend. Then there's Saskia who is fascinatingly vile. She's a bully and she's terrible, but I have a feeling she has her own issues; it would be interesting to see her story. What I loved about this book was how Leila making new friends with the tech crew, Tomas, and Lisa didn't take away from her friendships with Tess and Greg. All her friends are important to her in different ways, and no-one gets left behind. The only reason Leila tries to keep Tess and Greg from being annoyed with her is because Tess fancies Greg, and Greg fancies Leila, and it can make things awkward.

I found learning the little we did about Persian culture really interesting; the party and the wedding, where a large group of Iranian people got together, were fascinating, but we learnt more simply from Leila's home life. For the main, it came through in Leila's concern about how her parents would react to her sexuality - she doesn't just have to come out to her parents, she has to come out to Iranian parents, who come from a country that have very strict views on sexuality. She already knows a mother and father from her Iranian community kicked out their son when they found out he was gay, and she's terrified of what will happen to her if her parents find out.

"Lisa, you don't understand. It would hurt them. I've already disappointed them. My father is desperate for me to be a doctor. They'd probably kick me out. You know where they're from, being gay is illegal? They imprison people over there for feeling like I do! Sentence them to death sometimes." (p212-213)

I have to say I struggled a little with the main romance of this book, but to discuss it would spoil the story, so look or don't look.

Lisa comes out and tells Leila she's always had feelings for her. It's almost like now there's another option for Leila rather than being on her own, and suddenly she's interested, where she didn't even consider Lisa beforehand. She didn't fancy her, didn't think she was attractive, nothing. They weren't really friends, then they kind of were, then Lisa tells her the truth about why she stopped being her friend, and now all of a sudden, Leila has feelings for Lisa. It just seemed so conveniant. I never really believed how Leila felt for Lisa as their relationship developed, because it just came out of nowhere.

The romance is really sweet, though; lovely and not too heavy. A pretty light f/f romance. I just struggled with it.

Although I was disappointed with Tell Me Again, I did find the Persian culture and the beliefs regarding sexuality interesting, so I'm really looking forward to giving Farizan's first book If You Could Be Mine a read, a f/f romance set in Iran.



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Published: 6th October 2015
Publisher: Algonquin Young Readers
Sara Farizan on Twitter

Review: This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp

This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp (eProof) - 10:00 a.m.
The principal of Opportunity, Alabama's high school finishes her speech, welcoming the entire student body to a new semester and encouraging them to excel and achieve.

10:02 a.m.
The students get up to leave the auditorium for their next class.

10:03
The auditorium doors won't open.

10:05
Someone starts shooting.

Told over the span of 54 harrowing minutes from four different perspectives, terror reigns as one student's calculated revenge turns into the ultimate game of survival. From Goodreads.

Although it's not the only YA novel about the subject of school shootings, when I first hears about This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp, I knew I had to read this particular book. Perhaps it was the cover, maybe the title, or that Nijkamp was writing a book about a terrible subject that has been horrifically prevalent in the US recently for her debut novel. All I know is I was drawn to this book, and I had to read it. And it was absolutely incredible.

It's the first day of a new semester at Opportunity High. Claire is running for track practise with her best mate Chris. Tomás got detention with his best friend Fareed, a reason to be in the Principle's Office to sneak through the student files during assembly. Tomás sister Sylv and her girlfriend Autumn are with the rest of the school in the auditorium listening to Principle Tankerton's speech for the new semester. No-one expects anything different from the day. But when assembly is over, there is a delay in leaving the auditorium. Most people don't know what's going on until they hear the doors are locked. And that's when the shooting begins.

I cannot even begin to tell you how brilliant this book is. It's absolutely terrifying. The specifics of This Is Where It Ends are fictional, but we hear so often about school shootings and massacres in the news, the situation isn't fictional, and as you're reading, this fact is at the forefront of your mind. The absolute terror of being in a school environment, in a place you've gone to to learn, and then not know if you're going to survive the next five minutes, when even the authority figures - the teachers and other school staff - are unable to keep you or themselves safe. Nijkamp paints a very clear, terrible picture, and you can quite easily imagine yourself  as one of those students, trapped in that auditorium.

This Is Where It Ends is told from multiple perspectives, each person with a connection to the shooter, Tyler. Claire is Ty's ex-girlfriend, and her younger brother is in the auditorium. Autumn is Ty's sister. Ty wasn't happy with Autumn and Sylv's relationship, so had been threatening Sylv. Tomás was aware that Ty had been harassing Sylv in someway, which just increased the fighting between the two rivals. We also get text messages, tweets or blog posts at the end of each chapter from other characters those in the auditorium or outside, and it's great getting these brief glimpses, too.

What's brilliant is that Nijkamp manages to make us care about these characters, despite the story only taking place over 54 minutes. Each narrator has a story outside of the school; Autumn and Ty's mother died two years ago. She was a ballet dancer, and died in a car accident due to exhaustion. Autumn wants to follow in her footsteps, but her father has become an alcoholic and turned abusive since his wife's death, and would rather see Autumn dead than dancing. Sylv and Tomás' mother has some form of dementia. Sylv has always wanted to get out of Opportunity, and has the chance with a college acceptance, but with her mother so ill and in need of care, it doesn't look like she'll be able to. Tomás knows something is going on with Sylv; ever since last summer, she's been pushing him and others away, ever since Ty was caught threatening her outside of junior prom. He doesn't know what Ty did, but he changed his sister, and hates him for it. Claire's little brother, Matt, has lupus, and she's very protective of him. Her older sister Tracy is in the army, and Claire is conflicted about following suit. She wants to be just like her sister, but doesn't know if she's up to it.

As the 54 minutes tick by, we discover more about their individual stories, and they all come to a resolution. But we see the courage people can find within themselves when faced with such a horrific situation, the brave acts they will perform. When Claire and Chris hear the shots, Claire is the only one who has the wherewithal to take charge of her track team and coach and give out instructions on the best way to get help - it's her only way of coping with the fact that her little brother is in that auditorium and she can't get to him. Tomás and Fareed make sure the police are alerted, but when they're told to get out the school, they take it on themselves to try and help those trapped in the auditorium. Autumn and Sylv both have their courageous moments, though I won't say more for fear of spoiling the story. But whether the narrators are stuck in the auditorium or not, bravery comes in all shapes and forms, and they all have their incredible moments of strength. I was in complete awe of them all. I seriously don't know if I could do what any of them did, if I was in their position. They were unbelievable. And yes, again, this is just fiction, but there have been those who have shown incredible courage and strength in these situations, and This Is Where It Ends is a fantastic reminder that these wonderful, unbelievable people exist, and they save lives.

This Is Where It Ends is also wonderfully diverse. Tomás and Sylv are Latino, and Sylv and Autumn are queer (no label is ever given). Claire's brother Matt is disabled, Tomás friend Fareed is Afghan Muslim, and there are other secondary characters of other races who make an appearance. This Is Where It Ends shows the melting pot that high school is, with a whole host of diverse characters, united in fear.

I have to say something about the ending; it was so very emotional. It was heartbreaking, it was moving, and it was beautiful. I finished this book crying silently on the bus, left completely wiped out and bereft. I was blown away by the characters, by the story, and by Nijkamp's brilliant storytelling. This Is Where It Ends is an absolutely astounding debut novel, and I will not hesitate to read whatever Nijkamp writes in the future. This is a novel you need to add to your TBR piles right now.

Thank you to Sourcebooks Fire via NetGalley for the eProof.



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Published: 5th January 2016
Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire
Marieke Nijkamp's Website

Review: The Big Lie by Julie Mayhew

The Big Lie by Julie Mayhew (eProof) - A startling coming-of-age novel set in a contemporary Nazi England.

Jessika Keller is a good girl: she obeys her father, does her best to impress Herr Fisher at the Bund Deutscher Mädel meetings and is set to be a world champion ice skater. Her neighbour Clementine is not so submissive. Outspoken and radical, Clem is delectably dangerous and rebellious. And the regime has noticed. Jess cannot keep both her perfect life and her dearest friend. But which can she live without?

THE BIG LIE is a thought-provoking and beautifully told story that explores ideas of loyalty, sexuality, protest and belief. From Goodreads.

I cannot even begin to tell you how incredible The Big Lie by Julie Mayhew is. An alt-history novel about what the world would be like today if the Nazis won World War II, this book is extremely thought-provoking, and unbelievably scary.

If you really think about, WWII wasn't that long ago. It ended only 70 years ago, no matter how far in the past it might seem to some of us. The Big Lie shows us the possible present world we could be living in had the Nazis won, and the world we're shown is terrifying - not just because of how awful it is, but because this could be our lives. It's not a dystopian novel set in very distant future, it's set now. Present day with a different past.

I don't want to talk too much about the plot, because this is very much a story whose horrors you shouldn't be prepared for, but I will talk about the important aspects of the book. The book is split into two parts. The first part - the only part I feel comfortable discussing without spoiling the story - shows us the history of Jess and Clem's friendship, and just exactly who these two girls are. Jess does her best to be the very best daughter of Germany she can be. She's passionate about doing what's right, and has such a huge love of Germany. Even though they live in Britain, it is now a German country, which is governed by the Fuhrer, who is worshipped like a god-like figure. The amount of brainwashing that has gone on through the years since the war is astounding. Britain is not a country "suffering" under the rule of the Fuhrer, but a country that was saved from it's corrupt government before Hitler freed it. The devotion Jess feels to her country and her role in society - as a young woman who will eventually be wife and mother, and who will keep her home and raise her children while her family works.

Clem, on the other hand is from an outspoken family who haven't been so brainwashed by all they've been fed. They have strange ideas that step outside the rules. Clem's family want change, and have brought up their daughter to think for herself and to question what she's told. So whereas Jess is blindly led by her authority figures - her parents and the leaders of her Bund Deutscher Mädel (the Nazi female youth organisation) - Clem can see what's not being said. And when she becomes victim to the rules of Nazi run Britain - having been given her date for the removal of her womb, as there's a chance she might produce "defective" children because her mother gave birth to an "imperfect" son who was taken away and killed (we're never really told exactly what problems their son had) - the whole family, and Clem in particular will not be silent.

The Big Lie has huge themes running throughout, and covers feminist issues, morality, deep female friendship, and questions about loyalty - to country, to your beliefs, to your friends. One wonderful aspect covered is Jess' questions about her sexual identity. I think I might be safe in saying Jess is a lesbian, but a label is never given, and Jess doesn't think about "homosexuality" in any real words. It's just her feelings and who she's attracted to, and who she falls in love with. Without spoiling the story, there is the possibility that Jess is bisexual; as I said, no labels are given, and there are moments with male characters, but I read those moments as Jess trying to be "normal", fit in, and stop feeling ashamed. There may be others who may have read it differently, though. Either way, the look at sexuality, discovering what and who you like, on it's own and in the world Jess lives in, was dealt with brilliantly.

What I also found really difficult to deal with was the Historical Notes on The Big Lie that comes at the end of the book. Mayhew talks about the various elements of the book that are true; the beliefs and actions of the Nazis being as they were back in WWII, but also the elements of the book that comes from present day world events. These appalling and disturbing events aren't from a period of history, they're happening today. We might think we live in a different world now, but we do not. Yes, we might be more accepting than we were, we might be, in some ways, better, but there a lot of things that simply have not changed, and there are injustices people are having to live with everyday. I implore you to read The Big Lie, and also to read Historical Notes on the Big Lie afterwards, and have your eyes opened to what is happening in the world, if you didn't already know, and think about this world we live in. I said at the beginning that this book is terrifying because this could have been our lives, but the truth of the matter is, in some parts of the world, for some people, this is their lives, this is their present.

An incredible and harrowing novel, The Big Lie is not a book to pass up, and not one, once read, you'll be able to ignore.

Thank you to Hot Key Books via NetGalley for the eProof.



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Published: 27th August 2015
Publisher: Hot Key Books
Julie Mayhew's Website

Review: What We Left Behind by Robin Talley

What We Left Behind by Robin Talley (proof) - From the critically acclaimed author of Lies We Tell Ourselves comes an emotional, empowering story of what happens when love isn't enough to conquer all.

Toni and Gretchen are the couple everyone envied in high school. They've been together forever. They never fight. They're deeply, hopelessly in love. When they separate for their first year at college—Toni to Harvard and Gretchen to NYU—they're sure they'll be fine. Where other long-distance relationships have fallen apart, their relationship will surely thrive.

The reality of being apart, however, is a lot different than they expected. As Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, falls in with a group of transgender upperclassmen and immediately finds a sense of belonging that has always been missing, Gretchen struggles to remember who she is outside their relationship.

While Toni worries that Gretchen, who is not trans, just won't understand what is going on, Gretchen begins to wonder where she fits in Toni's life. As distance and Toni's shifting gender identity begins to wear on their relationship, the couple must decide—have they grown apart for good, or is love enough to keep them together? From Goodreads.

After loving Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley, I was so excited when I heard about What We Left Behind! However, it was quite a difficult read, and I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it in the end.

Gretchen and Toni have been the perfect couple for almost two years; so in love, and completely inseparable. So when the time comes to go to college, a rift is caused between them when, the day before, Gretchen reveals she'll actually be attending NYU and not going to college in Boston, like Toni. Toni is mad at Gretchen, Gretchen feels terribly guilty, and having to deal with being further apart than planned is seriously difficult. But at Harvard, Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, signs up to a LGBTQ group, and makes friends with a number of trans people. In this new environment, Toni starts to think more about Toni's gender identity, what it means, what fits, and Gretchen begins to discover just who she is when she's not known as "Toni's girlfriend". Can their love survive the distance and embrace the new people they're becoming?

This book isn't what I thought it was about. When I first heard about it, there wasn't much description yet; it was a LGBTQ love story where one of the narrators is genderqueer. As I said, I loved Lies We  Tell Ourselves, hearing that Talley would again be tackling an LGBTQ story I hadn't read before, I was so excited. I was expecting a nice (though hard) college romance, and to learn more about genderqueer. What We Left Behind is actually a lot more about indentity - specifically Toni's gender identity - than it is about romance. Gretchen and Toni's romance is the backdrop to Toni's story of self-discovery.

Toni identifies as genderqueer, which falls under than trans umbrella; as Toni puts it, Toni knows Toni isn't female, but isn't quite sure that Toni is male, either. The reason I keep repeating Toni's name instead of using male or female pronouns (he/his or she/her) is because Toni doesn't like them being used in relation to Toni. The way I'm writing right now is how Gretchen talks about Toni all the time, and how Toni talks about most people. That is until Toni decices to experiment with other pronouns, such as they/them or the pronouns created to be gender neutral, ze/hir. What We Left Behind is full of Toni's ideas when it comes to gender politics and how there is no gender binary (I.E. the gender binary being male and female, when it's more of a spectrum, as Toni's gender identity shows, where people can fall somewhere between the two). This isn't just because of Toni's own gender identity, but because Toni thinks the English language is full of sexism. There is a wonderful conversation with a transman, Pete, who gets a little annoyed with Toni refusing to use gendered pronouns, pretty much saying that he had to fight hard enough as it is to get people to see him (Pete) as male, it's not so great when Toni refuses to acknowledge his gender by using the gendered pronouns he wants people to use for him. There are a lot of really interesting conversations like this throughout the book.

The focus is mostly on Toni's gender identity, though. Toni is so confused; as I said, Toni knows Toni isn't female, but the more time Toni spends around Toni's new trans friends, the more confused Toni gets. Toni wonders if Toni will be genderqueer Toni's whole life, or if at some point Toni will feel more male and become a transman. But is that what Toni wants? With Toni's annoyance with the English language and labels, Toni also experiments with various labels to describe how Toni feels about Toni's gender identity; as well as genderqueer, Toni tries gender variant, gender non-conforming, there's talk about non-binary, and a few others are tried on and discarded, because nothing really feels right to Toni. Despite not liking labels, Toni is upset about not know what Toni is, and not knowing if Toni will ever stop feeling this way.

Then there's Gretchen. Her girlfriend, Toni, is going through all these changes, but what does that mean for her? She's so confused about what this all means. If Toni becomes a transman, would that make her straight? But she's a lesbian. She loves Toni, but would Toni still be attracted to her if Toni becomes a man? Would she still be attracted to Toni? She doesn't understand and these questions keep flying around her head, but she doesn't ask any of them because she's worried about things coming out wrong and offending Toni. And Toni doesn't talk to Gretchen about these things, partly because Toni is still mad at her, but also because Toni doesn't think Gretchen will understand. And all the while, Gretchen is berrating herself, feeling awful for having these questions because it doesn't really matter, not really, she should just be Toni's supportive girlfriend and do whatever she can to help Toni. But then she'll be involved in conversations were Toni is talking about Toni's gender identity, and there will be decisions Toni's made that come out of left field for Gretchen because Toni never told her. So Gretchen ends up hurt because she doesn't know what's going on in her girlfriend's head, but again, doesn't want to ask.

These two wound me the hell up, I swear. There is zero communication for much of the story, and their relationship is unbelievably unhealthy. Toni ends up being really quite selfish, worrying about themself* and getting annoyed at the idea of talking to Gretchen, because what's the point, she doesn't get it, and Gretchen is bending over backwards to be there for Toni, and ends up being quite obsessed about when she'll hear from Toni next, what's Toni's going to say, because she loves Toni, she needs Toni, she can't do without Toni. It's really uncomfortable to read. Not only that, but they're at college, they're 18, but the way they both act when it comes to their relationship, feels so juvenile! Yes, they have major changes to contend with, but they're grown ups now, and need to stop acting like young teenagers.

As educational as this book is, it's also serious heavy. There is so much information on various gender identities and pronouns, and I do feel enlightened, but I also felt bloody exhausted once I finished it. There are so few books out there on genderqueer people, so this is such a hugely important book, but there is barely any let up. Gretchen's chapters are where you feel like you can breath a little easier, but even she spends a lot of time thinking about Toni and Toni's gender identity. No matter what's happening at any point with Toni, Toni is talking or thinking about Toni's gender identity. But I finished the book not knowing if this story of confusion on Toni's part is how most genderqueer people feel all the time, or if that was just how Toni was dealing with Toni's gender identity. It just felt like too much, all at once. This is my first experience of reading a book about a genderqueer peerson, so I don't know if I'm being insensitive or not - I apologise if I am.

What We Left Behind is a pretty good and important book, and one you will definitely learn from.

Thank you to Mira Ink for the proof.

*Is there a better way of saying this, gender neutrally? "Themselves" seems too plural to me (I.E. more than one "self"), but "themself" just seems wrong.

N.B. Since writing this review, I have read a review on Goodreads from a genderqueer reader who was disappointed with the representation of genderqueer people in this book, so I guess this book doesn't have accurate representation.



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Published: 22nd October 2015
Publisher: Mira Ink
Robin Talley's Website